Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Joe Lieberman Vouvray

Lousy. Childish without being childlike. A vapid whining bully of ignoble rot. An absolute waste of space on the shelf. If one is unfortunate enough to receive a bottle from a 'friend,' under no circumstances should it be opened. Pouring it down the toilet will only stink up the sewers. The only safe way to dispose of it is to encase the unopened bottle in thick concrete and bury it far away from any crops, hospitals, or boneyards (cracked bottles have been known to make the very dead rise up and flee its pestilential stench.)

Say its name three times to summon it and finally fulfill the freudian death wish. Notes of fermented mouse corpse trapped in a cigar box under the bed of a murdered panther. Jets of racism, extremism, and stupidity. A strong jammy finish of gang rape and olive brine. Do not drink it. It is a sin against mankind. It is a sin against yourself. It makes your mother cry. It makes your children run away. It makes your S.O. break up with you. It makes you sick. It makes your sports hero screw a hooker behind a dumpster in an IHOP parking lot and not even think to maintain a second, secret, cell phone. It breaks the windows in your neighborhood. It spreads crack to the ghetto. It spreads opium to China. It spreads AIDS to Stonewall. It is a bad bad wine.

Origin: Benedict Arnold's unwiped asshole
Varietals: Whatever was left after the vineyard was burned down by the Klan
Food Pairing: Impossible to keep any food down while drinking

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