Monday, May 18, 2009

The Importance of Aging

There are new frightening pains, spots on the windshield, and yes, visibility is reduced. At the same time though, simple moments matter more. It turns out they aren't simple at all.

Light breaks through the clouds. It takes clouds for that to happen and sunlight, which means insane chemical reactions millions of miles away. It reminds me of the first time we went to the islands, and light broke through the clouds in a similar way. The same light. Different clouds. I haven't seen your body in twenty years. Is it different? Mine is.

It also reminds me of God's white hair, which he dyes black for his high school reunion, but otherwise leaves natural. Every time he lets a little light through the clouds it's just to remind me of that time in the islands. I thought, there will always be another opportunity. I thought, there will always be more of this. I thought, maybe I don't want this because I have it already. I thought, happiness is my birthright. I thought, happiness is only in stories. I thought, I have all the time in the world. I thought, it's too soon. I thought, grab it while I can, and I did, I grabbed you, but you were so hot that I let go and dropped you and you shattered into a million pieces on the tile floor. I thought, I should sweep you up myself but instead I left your pieces there and your dust to be hosed away next spring.

The gang's all broken up you know. Did you know? Do you know? Have you been back to the restaurant at all? It's all strangers there now except for the new people. Our new people. Their old people.

One of the new people, the boy with the curly hair, asked me about you. I said I didn't know what you were doing, but of course I do know. I have tv. I have newspapers. I get your messages. I see the lines behind the lines. They write about gaza, I see your green eyes. They write about baseball, I see your boobs. They write about Canada, I remember the time in the islands. Remember we had no food to eat. Remember we got creative.

One of the new people asked me about you and I punched him right in the face. Who is he to ask me about you? What does he know about what drew us together and what pulled you away. What did pull you away? Was it me pushing you? Is that what pulled you away?

Do you have white hair now? I don't have white hair, I have no hair. I didn't believe you had really left for over a year. Your second birthday in a row. The second time there was no email , no contact. The second time I wasn't involved in your life. The second birthday after you left I decided to tell people you'd left, but by then I didn't know any people.

I still don't know any people. There's all these new people at the restaurant now. They don't remember how we used to do things.

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